How To Make Spaghetti

 Step One: Gathering Supplies

Discover that most recipes call for semolina flour. Gather 3 1/2 cups of regular, all-purpose flour instead. Pull four eggs out of the fridge. Get out a large cutting board and place it on the counter, along with a whisk. Perfecto!

Step Two: Set Up Your Area

Place the flour in a large pile on the board. Make a dent in the middle. Crack the eggs and place them in the middle. Pick out the egg shell fragments you carelessly allowed to fall in--we all know they're in there.
Now grab your whisk and prepare for duty!

Step Three: Mix It All Together

Whisk the eggs in the center, slowly drawing up the flour. On the Cooking Channel, they make this look easy. Don't be fooled! You will notice that as your flour barrier recedes, the eggs find a way to escape their prison. At this point, it is safe to compare your spaghetti dough to a volcanic eruption. The dirt (flour) crumples away as the lava (eggs) pour down the sides and destroy all in their path (your nice clean counter).
Realizing the lava is about to drip off the edge, you throw the whisk into the sink and attempt to scoop your concoction back onto the cutting board and mix it around by hand. Now you are worried that you lost too much egg in the explosion and decide if your dough will ever turn out right, you need to add another one.
Once the ingredients are beginning to mix, you discover you really didn't need that extra egg and add more flour, hoping it will all even out.

Step Four: What's The Point?

Nothing seems to be mixing together, and the whole ordeal is beginning to seem rather pointless. You begin to question whether or not all this work and fail is really worth the outcome--crappy spaghetti. You are certain it won't come out right, so why bother?

Step Five: Your Mother Finds You

Since you had the initiative to begin this quest by yourself, it was only a matter of time before your mother walks into the kitchen, questioning the scene in front of her. Using the wisdom of age, she pulls out a Mix Master, which kneads the dough in a matter of minutes, doing a far better job than you ever could. Mothers definitely posses far more knowledge than you could ever attain during your adolescence. Once this is done, put it back on the cutting board, throw a dish towel over it, and watch a rerun of Doctor Who while it sets.

Step Six: Flattening

Now that it has set, it's time to flatten it out so it will go through the little pasta making gadget you found at your grandparent's house, covered in grime (which, if you haven't already, you need to clean off). All you need to do when flattening it, is press it down. Now take a nice sharp knife and cut the dough into chunks. Reapply flour to these chunks. Now flatten them out more with the doo-dad you found to make pasta. Since you covered these chunks in flour, they will be very resistant to being put through the device. You need to press it in with one hand, while cranking it in through the other. Repeat this for all chunks of dough. Repeat this again for all chunks of dough. Now do this one more time to make sure they are all nice and flat.

Step Seven: Shaping

Forget to reapply flour. Take your flat chunks and put them through the gadget again, this time in the section that cuts them up into spaghetti. Place these pieces in a bowl and let them sit until you feel like eating. During this time, they will clump together, undesirably.

Step Eight: Cooking and Preparing

Boil water and add some salt. Pour clumped spaghetti in. Cook until al dente. In a separate pan, cook spaghetti sauce. Once the pasta is done, drain the water out and put some on a plate for yourself. Pour on some sauce and add some parmesan cheese.

Step Nine: Paaaastaaaaa!!!

Take a careful bit of your noodles, and quickly discover you added a little too much egg. Decide this makes them takes Asian. Eat the rest cheerfully, taking pride in your clumpy pasta.